


death by scaphism

by goodbyechunkylemonmilk



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ableism, Codependency, Death References, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Missing Scene, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-28
Updated: 2012-12-28
Packaged: 2017-11-22 18:01:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/612644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodbyechunkylemonmilk/pseuds/goodbyechunkylemonmilk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius can't stand the quiet of Grimmauld Place, doesn't feel at home with muted tones and diplomacy. At Hogwarts, things were loud and uncomplicated and people <i>did</i> look frightened of him, but he interpreted it as respect and not pity.<br/>Set during OotP<br/>[warning for torture, gore for the title]</p>
            </blockquote>





	death by scaphism

**Author's Note:**

> This is meant to reflect how I believe Sirius, who valued large dramatic gestures, would have felt at one point during OotP, and is not meant to be make a statement about the characters involved.

Sirius can't remember the last time he felt quite right, thinks it must have been some time before That Halloween, some time when James was still in his life, some time when he was happy. No one speaks to him now. They look at him like he's dangerous, one step from snapping, and he wants very badly to tell them they're right, but not in the way they think. He will not take his borrowed wand and start hexing everyone he can reach. And he is much less than one step from snapping. Except he doesn't want to say any of that; really he just wishes someone would _know._

“Sirius, _sit down_.” And he does, muscles shaking, attempting to revolt with every movement, because listening to Remus is completely foreign to him. He can't quite process the idea of listening to anyone but James, and even that wasn't like this, wasn't so one-sided and. Well. If anyone had told him back then that he'd be obeying Remus Lupin, he'd have laughed in their faces.

He worries that James would be disappointed if he could see him now. If he could see Sirius perched on the edge of his seat, fingers clutching the underside to keep him there. But maybe James would defend him, and not the way Remus does, not a noncommittal half-defense, but full-blown yelling. _Maybe,_ because he can't remember much about James now, has lost time to the whirl of dementors' cloaks, recalls pranks but not the pressure of James' fingers or the slightly nasal sound of his voice. So there's no way to be sure, is there?

He likes to think James would not tell him to sit, saying _calm down_ , saying _don't be irrational_ , saying _you don't matter_. Molly would not get away with this in front of James, but Sirius doesn't have James; he has Remus. Who is on his side, but scolds him like a child, and Sirius is supposed to have been top of his year but he can't figure out exactly what that means.

The room gradually clears until it's just him, Molly, and Remus. Remus looks between them in what he must think is a subtle manner, eyes darting back and forth like a rabbit trying to decide which predator is more dangerous. Sirius laughs to himself, then regrets it because Molly's sharp gaze turns on him and he suspects that she's filing the noise away as another example of why he's not suited to be Harry's godfather or even an adult with any responsibility. _Seems unaware of others; talks to himself; possibly a danger to Harry???_ When for possibly the first time in his life, he is not a danger to anyone but himself. He's not taking anyone down with him, not this time.

“Hey, Remus, do you remember in our fifth year when we went out on the full moon and you got away from us and almost mauled a couple on the outskirts of Hogsmeade?” Remus winces and Molly drops her wand. _Positive memories of violence; definitely a danger to Harry_.

“I think,” Remus starts, pausing to gauge their reactions, as if they might react violently to any speech. His hand finds Sirius' on the table, and maybe the squeeze is meant to be a comfort, but it feels much more like a warning. “You two need to talk about what's going on here. It's immature to let all of this come out in front of Harry.”

“I do not need to be treated like a child,” Sirius says, and can't quite convince himself it's true.


End file.
